John Newton’s autobiography written
in the form of letters to a friend.
Service to
LETTER I.
DEAR
SIR,
The Lord’s providential care
I
make no doubt but you have at times had pleasing reflections upon what was said
to the Israelites in Deut. viii. 2. They were then in the wilderness, surrounded with difficulties, which
were greatly aggravated by their own distrust and perverseness. They had experienced
a variety of trials, the design of which they could not as yet understand. They
frequently lost sight of God's gracious purposes in their favour, and were much
discouraged by reason of the way. To compose and animate their minds, Moses
here suggests to them that there was a future happy time drawing near, when
their journey and warfare should be finished; that they should soon be put in
possession of the promised land, and have rest from all their fears and
troubles; and then it would give them pleasure to look back upon what they now
found so uneasy to bear. "Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord
thy God led thee . . . in the wilderness."
The
importance and comfort of these words is still greater, if we consider them in
a spiritual sense, and apply them to all who are passing through the wilderness
of this world to a heavenly Canaan; who, by faith in God, are expecting to
enter an eternal rest. The hope of that glorious inheritance inspires us with
some degree of courage and zeal to press forward to where Jesus has already
entered as our Forerunner; and through whom we are more than conquerors over
all that would withstand our progress. (Rom. viii. 37.)
We
have, however, not yet attained. We still feel the infirmities of a fallen
nature. Through the remains of ignorance and unbelief, we often mistake the
Lord's dealings with us, and are ready to complain; when, if we knew all, we
should rather rejoice. But to us likewise there is a time coming, when our
warfare shall be accomplished, our views enlarged, and our light increased.
Then with what transports of adoration and love shall we look back upon the
way by which the Lord led us! We shall then see and acknowledge, that mercy and
goodness directed every step; we shall see, that what our ignorance once called
adversities and evils, were in reality blessings, which we could not have done
well without; that nothing befell us without a cause.
And
even in this imperfect state, though we are seldom able to judge aright of our
present circumstances, yet if we look upon the years of our past life, and
compare the trials we have been brought through, with the frame of our minds
under each successive period; if we consider how wonderfully one thing has been
connected with another; so that what we now number amongst our greatest
advantages, perhaps, took their first rise from incidents which we thought
hardly worth our notice; and that we have sometimes escaped the greatest
dangers that threatened us, not by any wisdom or foresight of our own, but by
the intervention of circumstances which we neither desired nor thought of: when
we compare and consider these things by the light afforded us in the Holy
Scripture, we may collect indisputable proof, from the narrow circle of our own
concerns, that the wise and good providence of God watches over His people
from the earliest moment of their life, overrules and guards them through all
their wanderings in a state of ignorance, leads them in a way that they know
not, till at length His providence and grace concur in those events and
impressions, which bring them to the knowledge of Him and themselves.
I am
persuaded that every believer will, upon due reflection, see enough in his own
case to confirm this remark; but not all in the same degree. The outward
circumstances of many have been uniform, they have known but little variety in
life; and with respect to their inward change, it has been effected in a secret
way, unnoticed by others, and almost unperceived by themselves. The Lord has
spoken to them, not in thunder and tempest; but with a still small voice He has
drawn them gradually to Himself, so that though they have a happy assurance
that they know and love Him, and are passed from death unto life; yet of the
precise time and manner, they can give little account.
Others He
seems to select, in order to show the exceeding riches of His grace, and the
greatness of His mighty power. (Rom. xi. 4; James i. 18.) He suffers the natural rebellion and
wickedness of their hearts to have full scope. While sinners of less note are
cut off with little warning, these are spared, though sinning with a high hand,
and as it were studying their own destruction. At length, when all that knew
them are perhaps expecting to hear that they are made signal instances of
divine vengeance, the Lord (whose thoughts are high above ours, as the heavens
are higher than the earth, Isaiah Iv. 6-9) is pleased to pluck them as brands out of the
fire, and to make them monuments of His mercy, for the encouragement of others:
they are, beyond expectation, convinced, pardoned, and changed.
A
case of this sort indicates a divine power no less than the creation of a
world: it is evidently the Lord's doing, and it is marvellous in the eyes of
all those who are not blinded by prejudice and unbelief. Such was the
persecuting Saul: his heart was full of enmity against Jesus of Nazareth, and
therefore he persecuted and made havoc of His disciples. He had been a terror
to the church at Jerusalem, and was going to Damascus with the same views. He
was yet breathing out threatenings and slaughter against all that loved the
Lord Jesus. He thought little of the mischief he had hitherto done. His desire
was to destroy every Christian. Such was his spirit and temper, when the Lord
Jesus, whom he hated and opposed, checked him in the height of his rage, called
this bitter persecutor to the honour of an apostle, and inspired him with great
zeal and earnestness, to preach that faith which he so lately destroyed. (Acts ix.; 1 Tim. i.
12-16.)
Nor are
we without remarkable displays of the same sovereign, efficacious grace in our
own times. I may particularly mention the instance of the late Colonel
Gardiner. If any real satisfaction could be found in a sinful course, he would
have met with it; for he pursued the experiment with all possible advantages.
He was habituated to evil; and many uncommon, almost miraculous deliverances,
made no impression upon him. Yet he likewise was brought to know and love the
Lord Jesus Christ; and the bright example of his life, illustrated and diffused
by the account of him, published since his death, has afforded an occasion of
much praise to God, and much comfort to His people.
After the
mention of such names, can you permit me, sir, to add MY OWN? If I do, it must
be with a very humbling distinction. These once eminent sinners proved eminent
Christians. Much had been forgiven them, therefore they loved much. (Luke vii. 40-50.) St. Paul could say, "His grace
which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than
they all." (1 Cor. xv. 10.) Colonel Gardiner likewise was as a city set upon a hill, a burning and
a shining light. The manner of his conversion was hardly more singular than
the whole course of his conversation from that time to his death. Here, alas!
the parallel greatly fails. It has not been thus with me. I must take deserved
shame to myself, that I have made very unsuitable returns for what I have
received. But if the question is only concerning the patience and
long-suffering of God, the wonderful interposition of His providence in favour
of an unworthy sinner, the power of His grace in softening the hardest heart,
and the riches of His mercy in pardoning the most enormous and aggravated
transgressions: in these respects I know no case more extraordinary than my
own. And indeed many persons, to whom I have related my story, have thought it
worthy of being preserved.
I
never gave any brief account, in writing, of the Lord's dealing with me, till
very lately; for I was deterred on the one hand by the great difficulty of
writing properly where SELF is concerned; on the other, by the ill use which
persons of corrupt and perverse minds are often known to make of such
instances. The Psalmist reminds us that a reserve in these things is proper, when
he says, "Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what He
hath done for my soul." (Psalm lxvi. 16; Matt. vii. 6.) And our Lord cautions us not to
cast our pearls before swine. Some of the pearls of a Christian are, perhaps,
his choice experiences of the Lord's power and love in the concerns of his
soul; and these should not be at all adventures made public, lest we give
occasion to earthly and grovelling souls to profane what they cannot
understand. These were the chief reasons of my backwardness; but a few weeks
since, I yielded to the judgment and request of a much respected friend, and
sent him a relation at large, in a series of eight letters.
The
event has been what I little expected. I wrote to one person, but my letters
have fallen into many hands. Amongst others, I find they have reached your
notice; and instead of blaming me for being too tedious and circumstantial,
which was the fault I feared I had committed, you are pleased to desire a still
more distinct detail. As you and others of my friends apprehend that my
compliance with this request may be attended with some good effect, may promote
the pleasing work of praise to our adorable Redeemer, or confirm the faith of
some or other of His people; I am willing to obey. I give up my own reasonings
upon the inexpediency of so inconsiderable a person as myself adventuring in so
public a point of view. If God may be glorified on my behalf, and His children
in any measure comforted or instructed by what I have to declare of His goodness,
I shall be satisfied; and am content to leave all other possible consequences
of this undertaking in His hands, who does all things well.
I
must again have recourse to my memory, as I retained no copies of the letters
you saw. So far as I can recollect what I then wrote, I will relate, but shall
not affect a needless variety of phrase and manner, merely because those have
been already perused by many. I may, perhaps, in some places, when repeating
the same facts, express myself in nearly the same words; yet I propose,
according to your desire, to make this relation more explicit and particular
than the former, especially towards the close, which I wound up hastily, lest
my friend should be wearied.
I
hope you will likewise excuse me if I do not strictly confine myself to
narration, but now and then intersperse such reflections as may offer while I
am writing: and though you have signified your intentions of communicating to
others what I send you, I must not, on this account, affect a conciseness and
correctness which is not my natural talent, lest the whole should appear dry
and constrained. I shall therefore, if possible, think only of you, and write
with that confidence and freedom which your friendship and candour deserve.
This sheet may stand as a preface, and I purpose, as far as I can, to cease for
a time from many other engagements, until I have completed the task you have
assigned me.
In
the meantime, I entreat the assistance of your prayers, that in this, and all my
poor attempts, I may have a single eye to His glory, who was pleased to call me
out of horrid darkness into the marvellous light of His gospel.
I am, with sincere respect,
Dear
Sir,
Your obliged and affectionate Servant.