JOHN
NEWTON’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF LETTERS TO A FRIEND.
Service to
Liberty (1892)
Chronology
July 1752
Sails in new ship, Lin
LETTER XII.
John Newton’s
DEAR SIR,
I almost wish I could recall my last sheet, and
retract my promise. I fear I have engaged too far, and shall prove a mere
egotist. What have I more that can deserve your notice? However, it is some
satisfaction that I am now writing to yourself only; and, I believe, you will
have candour to excuse what nothing but a sense of your kindness could extort
from me.
July 1752 Sails in new ship, Lin
Soon
after the period where my last closes - that is, in the interval between my
first and second voyages after my marriage - I began to keep a sort of diary, a
practice which I have since found of great use. I had in this interval repeated
proofs of the ingratitude and evil of my heart. A life of ease in the midst of
my friends and the full satisfaction of my wishes was not favourable to the
progress of grace, and afforded cause of daily humiliation. Yet upon the whole
I gained ground. I became acquainted with books which gave me a farther view of
Christian doctrine and experience; particularly Scougal's Life of God in
the Soul of Man, Harvey's Meditations, and The Life of Colonel
Gardiner. As to preaching, I heard
none but of the common sort, and had hardly an idea of any better; neither had
I the advantage of Christian acquaintance. I was likewise greatly hindered by a
cowardly, reserved spirit. I was afraid of being thought precise, and though I
could not live without prayer, I durst not propose it, even to my wife, till
she herself first put me upon it, so far was I from those expressions of zeal
and love which seem so suitable to the case of one who has had much forgiven.
In a few months the returning season called me abroad again, and I sailed from
Lin a new ship, July 1752.
A
seafaring life is necessarily excluded from the benefit of public ordinances and
Christian communion; but, as I have observed, my loss upon these heads was at
this time but small. In other respects I know not any calling that seems more
favourable, or affords greater advantages to an awakened mind for promoting the
life of God in the soul, especially to a person who has the command of a ship,
and thereby has it in his power to restrain gross irregularities in others, and
to dispose of his own time; and still more so in African voyages, as these
ships carry a double proportion of men and officers to most others, which made
my department very easy, and, excepting the hurry of trade, etc., upon the
coast which is rather occasional than constant-afforded me abundance of
leisure.
To
be at sea in these circumstances, withdrawn out of the reach of innumerable
temptations, with opportunity and a turn of mind disposed to observe the
wonders of God in the great deep, with the two noblest objects of sight, the
expanded heavens and the expanded ocean continually in view, and where evident
interpositions of divine Providence in answer to prayer occur almost every day
(Psalm cvii. 23-31); these are helps to quicken and confirm the life of faith,
which in a good measure supply to a religious sailor the want of those
advantages which can be only enjoyed upon the shore. And indeed, though my knowledge
of spiritual things (as knowledge is usually estimated) was at this time very
small, yet I sometimes look back with regret upon those scenes. I never knew
sweeter or more frequent hours of divine communion than in my two last voyages
to Guinea, when. I was either almost secluded from society on ship-board, or
when on shore amongst the natives. I have wandered through the woods reflecting
on the singular goodness of the Lord to me, in a place where perhaps there was
not a person that knew Him for very many miles round me. Many a time upon these
occasions I have restored the beautiful lines of Propertius to the right owner;
lines full of blasphemy and madness when addressed to a creature, but full of
comfort and propriety in the mouth of a believer.
Sio
ego desertis possim bene vi~ere sylvis Quo nulla humano sit via trita pede: Tu
mihi ourarum requies, in noote velatra Lumen, et in folis tu mihi turba loois.
PARAPHRASED.
In
desert woods with Thee, my God, Where human footsteps never trod,
How happy could I be !
Thou
my repose from care; my light Amidst the darkness of the night;
In
solitude my company.
In the course
of this voyage I was wonderfully preserved in the midst of many obvious and
many unforeseen dangers. At one time there was a conspiracy amongst my own
people to turn pirates, and take the ship from me. When the plot was nearly
ripe, and they only waited a convenient opportunity, two of those concerned in
it were taken ill one day: one of them died, and he was the only person I
buried while on board. This suspended the affair, and opened a way to its
discovery, or the consequence might have been fatal. The slaves on board were
likewise frequently plotting insurrections, and were sometimes upon the very
brink of mischief, but it was always disclosed in due time. When I have thought
myself most secure, I have been suddenly alarmed with danger; and when I have
almost despaired of life, as, sudden a deliverance has been vouchsafed me. My
stay upon the coast was long, the trade very precarious, and in the pursuit of
my business, both on board and on shore, I was "in deaths often." Let
the following instance serve as a specimen.
I was at
a place called Mana, near Cape Mount, where I had transacted very large
concerns, and had, at the time I am speaking of, some debts and accounts to
settle which required my attendance on shore, and I intended to go the next morning.
When I arose I left the ship according to my purpose, but when I came near the
shore the surf (or breach) of the sea ran so high that I was almost afraid to
attempt landing. Indeed, I had often ventured at a worse time, but I felt .an
inward hindrance and backwardness which I could not account for. The surf
furnished a pretext for indulging it, and after waiting and hesitating for
about half-an-hour, I returned to the ship without doing my business, which I
think I never did but that morning in all the time I used that trade. But I
soon perceived the reason of all this. It seems, the day before I intended to
land, a scandalous and groundless charge had been laid against me (by whose
instigation I could never learn), which greatly threatened my honour and
interest both in Africa and England, and would perhaps, humanly speaking, have
affected my life, if I had landed according to my intention. I shall, perhaps,
inclose a letter which will give a full account of this strange adventure, and
therefore shall say no more of it here any further than to tell you that an
attempt, aimed to destroy either my life or character, and which might, very
probably, in its consequences, have ruined my voyage, passed off without the
least inconvenience. The person most concerned owed me about a hundred pounds,
which he sent me in a huff, and otherwise, perhaps, would not have paid me at
all. I was very uneasy for a few hours, but was soon afterwards comforted. I
heard no more of my accusation till the next voyage, and then it was publicly
acknowledged to have been a malicious calumny without the least shadow of a
ground.
Such
were the vicissitudes and difficulties through which the Lord preserved me. Now
and then both faith and patience were sharply exercised, but suitable strength
was given; and as those things did not occur every day, the study of Latin, of
which I gave a general account in my last, was renewed, and carried on from
time to time when business would permit.
I
was mostly very regular in the management of my time. I allotted about eight
hours for sleep and meals, eight hours for exercise and devotion, and eight
hours to my books; and thus, by diversifying my engagements, the whole day was
agreeably filled up, and I seldom found a day too long; or an hour to spare.
My studies kept me employed, and so far it was well; otherwise, they were
hardly worth the time they cost, as they led me to an admiration of false
models and false maxims; an almost unavoidable consequence, I suppose, of an
admiratiqn of classic authors. Abating what I have attained of the language, I
think I might have read Cassandra or Cleopatm to as good purpose
as I read Livy, whom I now account an equal romancer, though in a different
way.
No
letters – John is concerned that his wife may have died
From
the coast I went to St. Christopher, and here my idolatrous heart was its own
punishment. The letters I expected from Mrs. N - were by mistake forwarded to
Antigua, which had been at first proposed as our port. As I was certain of her punctuality
in writing, if alive, I concluded, by not hearing from her, that she was surely
dead This fear affected me more and more. I lost my appetite and rest. I felt
an incessant pain in my stomach, and in about three weeks' time I was near
sinking under the weight of an imaginary stroke. I felt some severe symptoms of
that mixture of pride and madness which is commonly called a broken heart; and,
indeed, I wonder that this case is not more common than it appears to be. How
often do the potsherds of the earth presume to contend with their Maker! And
what a wonder of mercy is it that they are not all broken? However, my
complaint was not all grief - conscience had a share. I thought my unfaithfulness
to God had deprived me of her, especially my backwardness in speaking of
spiritual things, which I could hardly attempt, even to her. It was this
thought, that I had lost invaluable, irrecoverable opportunities, which both
duty and affection should h~ve engaged me to improve, that chiefly stung me,
and I thought I would have given the world to know she was living, that I might
at least discharge my engagements by writing, though I was never to see her
again.
This
was a sharp lesson, but I hope it did me good; and when I had thus suffered
some weeks, I thought of sending a small vessel to .Antigua. I did so, and she
brought me several packets, which restored my health and peace, and gave me a
strong contrast of the Lord's goodness to me, and my unbelief and ingratitude
towards him.
In
.August, 1753, I returned to L---. My stay was very short at home that voyage;
only six weeks. In that space nothing very memorable occurred. I shall
therefore begin my next with an account of my third and last voyage. And thus I
give both you and myself hopes of a speedy end to these memoirs, which begin to
be tedious and minute even to myself; only I am animated by the thought that I
write at your request, and have therefore an opportunity of showing myself
Your obliged Servant.