JOHN NEWTON’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY WRITTEN IN THE
FORM OF LETTERS TO A FRIEND.
Service to Liberty (1892)
John Newton’s Courtship
Sails to Madeira on HMS Harwich
Changes ship – merchant ship (slave trader - Pegasus)
Sails to Sierra
Leone and along West Coast of Africa.
Leaves ship –
hopes to profit from slave trade.
Joins successful
trader (known as Clow).
Stays on
LETTER IV.
DEAR SIR,
John Newton’s Courtship
Though I desired your instructions as to the
manner and extent of these memoirs, I began to write before I received them,
and had almost finished the preceding sheet when your favour of the 11th came
to hand. I shall find another occasion to acknowledge my sense of your kind expressions
of friendship, which I pray the Lord I may never give you cause to repent of or
withdraw. At present I shall confine myself to what more particularly relates
to the task assigned me. I shall obey you, sir, in taking notice of the little
incidents you recall to my memory, and of others of the like nature, which,
without your direction, I should have thought too trivial, and too much my own
to deserve mentioning. When I began the eight letters, I intended to say no
more of myself than might be necessary to illustrate the wonders of divine
providence and grace in the leading turns of my life; but 1 account your
judgment a sufficient warrant for enlarging my plan.
Amongst other things, you desired a more explicit
account of the state and progress of my "courtship," as it is usually
phrased. This was the point in which I thought it especially became me to be
very brief. But I submit to you; and this seems a proper place to resume it, by
telling you how it stood at the time of my leaving England. When my
inclinations first discovered themselves, both parties were so young, that no
one but myself considered it in a serious view. It served for tea-table talk
amongst our friends, and nothing farther, was expected from it. But afterwards,
when my passion seemed to have abiding effects, so that in an interval of two
years it was not at all abated, and especially as it occasioned me to act
without any regard to prudence or interest, or my father's designs, and as
there was a coolness between him. and the family, her parents began to consider
it as a matter of consequence; and when I took my last leave of them, her
mother, at the same time she expressed the most tender affection for me, as if
I had been her own child, told me, that though she had no objections to make,
upon a supposition that, at a maturer age, there should be a probability of our
engaging upon a prudent prospect, yet as things then stood, she thought herself
obliged to interfere; and therefore desired I would no more think of returning
to their house (unless her daughter was from home) till such time, as I could
either prevail with myself entirely to give up my pretensions, or could assure
her that I had my father's express consent to go on. Much depended on Miss
---'s part in this affair. It was something difficult; but though she was
young, gay, and quite unpractised in such matters, she was directed to a happy
medium. A positive encouragement, or an absolute refusal, would have been
attended with equal, though different, disadvantages. But without much studying
about it, I found her always upon her guard. She had penetration to see her
absolute power over me, and prudence to make a proper use of it; she would
neither understand my hints, nor give me room to come to a direct explanation.
She has said since, that from the first discovery of my regard, and long before
the thought was agreeable to her, she often had an unaccountable impression
upon her mind, that sooner or later she should be mine. Upon these terms we
parted.
Passage to Madeira
I now return to my voyage. During our passage to
Madeira, I was a prey to the most gloomy thoughts. Though I had well deserved
all I met with, and the captain might have been justified if he had carried his
resentment still farther, yet my pride at that time suggested that I had been
grossly injured, and this so far wrought upon my wicked heart, that I actually
formed designs against his life, and this was one reason that made me willing
to prolong my own. I was sometimes divided between the two, not thinking it
practicable to effect both.
The Lord had now to appearance given me up to
judicial hardness; I was capable of anything. I had not the least fear of God
before my eyes, nor (so far as I remember) the least sensibility of conscience.
I was possessed of so strong a spirit of delusion, that I believed my own lie,
and was firmly persuaded that after death I should cease to be. Yet the Lord
preserved me. Some intervals of sober reflection would at times take place.
When I have chosen death rather than life, a ray of hope would come in, though
there was little probability for such a hope) that I should yet see better
days, that I might again return to England, and have my wishes crowned, if I
did not wilfully throw myself away. In a word, my love to Miss --- was now the
only restraint I had left. Though I neither feared God, nor regarded men, I
could not bear that she should think meanly of me when I was dead. As in
the outward concerns of life, the weakest means are often employed by divine
providence to produce great effects, beyond their common influence (as when a
disease, for instance, has been removed by a fright), so I found it then. This
single thought, which had not restrained me from a thousand smaller evils,
proved my only and effectual barrier against the greatest and most fatal
temptations. How long I could have supported this conflict, or what, humanly
speaking, would have been the consequence of my continuing in that situation, I
cannot say; but the Lord, whom I little thought of, knew my danger, and was
providing for my deliverance. Two things I had determined when at Plymouth,
that I would not go to India, and that I would go to Guinea; and
such indeed was the Lord's will concerning me; but they were to be accomplished
in His way, not in my own. We had been now at Madeira some time; the business
of the fleet was completed, and we were to sail the following day. On that
memorable morning I was late in bed, and had slept longer, but that one of the
midshipmen (an old companion) came down, and, between jest and earnest, bid me
rise; and as I did not immediately comply, he cut down the hammock or bed in
which I lay, which forced me to dress myself. I was very angry, but durst not
resent it. I was little aware how much his caprice affected me, and that this
person, who had no design in what he did, was the messenger of God's
providence.
Changes ship – merchant ship (slave trader -
Pegasus)
I said little, but went upon deck, where I that
moment saw a man putting his clothes into a boat, who told me he was going to
leave us. Upon inquiring, I was informed that two men from a Guinea ship, which
lay near us, had entered on board the Harwich, and that the commodore
(Sir George Pocock) had ordered the captain to send two others in their room.
My heart instantly burned like fire. I begged the boat might be detained a few
minutes. I ran to the lieutenants, and entreated them to intercede with the
captain that I might be dismissed upon this occasion. Though I had been
formerly upon ill terms with these officers, and had disobliged them all in
their turns, yet they had pitied my case, and were ready to serve me now. The
captain, who, when we were at Plymouth, had refused to exchange me, though at
the request of Admiral Medley, was now easily prevailed on. I believe, in
little more than half-an-hour from being asleep in my bed, I saw myself
discharged, and safe on board another ship.
This was one of the many critical turns of my
life, in which the Lord was pleased to display His providence and care, by
causing many unexpected circumstances to concur in almost an instant of time.
These sudden opportunities were several times repeated; each of them brought me
into an entirely new scene of action; and they were usually delayed to almost
the last moment in which they could have taken place.
Sails to Sierra Leone and along West Coast of
The ship I went on board was bound for Sierra
Leone, and the adjacent parts of what is called The Windward Coast of Africa.
The commander, I found, was acquainted with my father. He received me very
kindly, and made fair professions of assistance; and, I believe, he would have
been my friend; but, without making the least advantage of former mistakes and
troubles, I pursued the same course; nay, if possible, I acted much worse. On board the Harwich, though my
principles were totally corrupted, yet, as upon my first going there I was in
some degree staid and serious, the remembrance of this made me ashamed of
breaking out in that notorious manner I could otherwise have indulged. But now
entering amongst strangers, I could appear without disguise; and I well
remember, that while I was passing from the one ship to the other, this was one
reason why I rejoiced in the exchange, and one reflection I made upon the
occasion; namely, "That I now might be as abandoned as I pleased, without
any control"; and, from this time, I was exceedingly vile indeed, little,
if anything, short of that animated description of an almost irrecoverable
state, which we have in 2 Peter ii. 14. I not only sinned with a high hand myself,
but made it my study to tempt and seduce others upon every occasion; nay. I
eagerly sought occasion, sometimes at my own hazard. One natural consequence of this carriage was,
a loss of the favour of my new captain; not that he was at all religious, or
disliked my wickedness, any further than it affected his interest. But I became
careless and disobedient; I did not please him, because I did not intend it;
and as he was a man of an odd temper likewise, we the more easily disagreed.
Besides, I had a little of that unlucky wit, which can do little more than
multiply troubles and enemies to its possessor; and, upon some imagined
affront, I made a song, in which I ridiculed his ship, his designs, and his
person, and soon taught it to the whole ship's company.
Such was the ungrateful return I made for his
offers of friendship and protection. I had mentioned no names, but the allusion
was plain, and he was no stranger either to the intention or the author. I shall say no more of this part of my story; let it be buried in eternal
silence. But let me not be silent from the praise of that grace which could
pardon, that blood which could expiate, such sins as mine; since I, who was the
willing slave of every evil, have been spared, and saved, and changed, to stand
as a monument of His almighty power for ever.
Thus I went on for about six months, by which time
the ship was preparing to leave the coast. A few days before she sailed the
captain died. I was not upon much better terms with his mate, who now succeeded
to the command, and had, upon some occasion, treated me ill. I made no doubt,
but if I went with him to the West Indies, he would put me on board a
man-of-war; and this, from what I had known already, was more dreadful to me
than death. To avoid it, I determined to remain in Africa, and amused myself
with many golden dreams, that here I should find an opportunity of improving my
fortune.
Leaves ship – hopes to profit from slave trade.
Joins successful trader (known as Clow).
Stays on
There are still, upon that part of the coast, a
few white men settled (and there were many more at the time I was first there),
whose business it was to purchase slaves, etc., in the rivers and country
adjacent, and sell them to the ships at an advanced price. One of these, who
had first landed in my indigent circumstances, had acquired considerable
wealth. He had lately been in England, and was returning in the vessel I was
in, of which he owned a quarter part. His example impressed me with hopes of
the same success; and, upon condition of entering into his service, I obtained
my discharge. I had not the precaution to make any terms, but trusted to his
generosity. I received no compensation for my time on board the ship, but a
bill upon the owners in England, which was never paid, for they failed before
my return. The day the vessel sailed I landed upon the island of Benanoes, with
little more than the clothes upon my back, as if I had escaped shipwreck.
I am, dear Sir,
Yours, etc.