JOHN NEWTON’S AUTOBIOGRAPHY WRITTEN IN THE
FORM OF LETTERS TO A FRIEND.
Service to Liberty (1892)
March 10, 1748 – deliverance from the storm.
Begins to pray
Low provisions
Land sighted – False sighting
Sight Tory Island - Ireland
April 8, 1748 – arrive at Lough Swilly, Ireland
LETTER VIII.
DEAR SIR,
The 10th
of March is a day much to be remembered by me, and I have never suffered it to
pass wholly unnoticed since the year 1748. On that day the Lord sent from on
high and delivered me out of deep waters. I continued at the pump from three in
the morning till near noon, and then I could do no more. I went and lay down,
uncertain, and almost indifferent, whether I should rise again. In an hour's
time I was called, and not being able to pump, I went to the helm, and steered
the ship till midnight, excepting a small interval for refreshment. I had here
leisure and convenient opportunity for reflection. I began to think of my
former religious professions, the extraordinary turns in my life; the calls,
warnings, and deliverances I had met with, the licentious course of my
conversation, particularly my unparalleled effrontery in making the gospel
history (which I could not now be sure was false, though I was not yet assured
it was true) the constant subject of profane ridicule. I thought-allowing the
Scripture premises-there never was, nor could be such a sinner as myself, and
then comparing the advantages I had broken through, I concluded, at first, that
my sins were too great to be forgiven. Scripture likewise seemed to say the
same; for I had formerly been well acquainted with the Bible, and many
passages, upon this occasion, returned upon my memory, particularly those awful
passages, Prov. i. 24-31, Heb. vi. 4, 6, and 2 Peter ii. 20, which seemed so
exactly to suit my case -and character as to bring with them a presumptive
proof of a divine original.
Thus, as I
have said, I waited with fear and impatience to receive my inevitable doom.
Yet, though I had thoughts of this kind, they were exceeding faint and
disproportionate; it was not till long after (perhaps several years) -till I
had gained some clear views of the infinite grace of God through Christ Jesus
-that I had a deep and strong apprehension of my state by nature and practice,
and perhaps, till then, I could not have borne the sight. So wonderfully does
the Lord proportion the discoveries of sin and grace, for He knows our frame,
and that, if He were to put forth the greatness of His power, a poor sinner
would be instantly overwhelmed, and crushed as a moth.
But to
return. When I saw, beyond all probability, there was still hope of respite,
and heard, about six in the evening, that the ship was freed from water, there
arose a gleam of hope. I thought I saw the hand of God displayed in our favour.
I began to pray. I could not utter the prayer of faith; I could not draw near
to God, and call Him Father. My prayer was like the cry of the ravens, which
yet the Lord does not disdain to hear. I now began to think of that Jesus whom
I had so often derided; I recollected the particulars of His life, and of His
death; a death for sins not His own, but, as I remembered, for the sake of
those who, in their distress, should put their trust in Him. And now I chiefly
wanted evidence. The comfortless principles of infidelity were deeply riveted,
and I rather wished than believed these things were real facts.
You will
please to observe, sir, that I collect the strain of the reasonings arid
exercises of my mind in one view; but I do not say that all this passed at one
time. The great question now was, how to obtain faith. I speak not of an appropriating
faith (of which I then knew neither the nature nor necessity), but how I should
gain an assurance that the Scriptures were of a divine inspiration, and a
sufficient warrant for the exercise of trust and hope in God. One of the first
helps I received (in consequence of a determination to examine the New
Testament more carefully) was from Luke xi. 13. I had been sensible, that to
profess faith in Jesus Christ, when in reality I did not believe His history,
was no better than a mockery of the heart- searching God; but here I found a
Spirit spoken of, which was to be communicated to those who ask it. Upon this I
reasoned thus: If this book is true, the promise in this passage must be true
likewise. I have need of that very Spirit, by which the whole was written, in
order to understand it aright. He has promised here to give that Spirit to
those who ask. (Luke xi. 13.) I must therefore pray, and if it is of God, He
will make good His own word. My purposes were strengthened by John vii. 17. I
concluded from thence, that though I could not say from my heart that I believed
the gospel, yet I would, for the present, take it for granted; and that, by
studying it in this light, I should be more and more confirmed in it.
If what I
am writing could be perused by our modern infidels, they would say (for I too
well know their manner) that I was very desirous to persuade myself into this
opinion. I confess I was; and so would they be, if the Lord should show them,
as He was pleased to show me, at that time, the absolute necessity of some
expedient to interpose between a righteous God and a sinful soul. Upon the
gospel scheme I saw at least a peradventure of hope; but on every other side I
was surrounded with black, unfathomable despair. The wind was now moderate, but continued
fair, and we were still drawing nearer to our port. We began to recover from
our consternation, though we were greatly alarmed by our circumstances. We
found that the water had floated all our movables in the hold, and all the
casks of provision had been beaten to pieces by the violent motion of the ship.
On the other hand, our live stock, such as pigs, sheep, and poultry, had been
washed overboard in the storm. In effect, all the provisions we saved, except
the fish I mentioned, and some food of the pulse kind, which used to be given
to the hogs (and there was but little of this left), all our other provisions
would have given us but scanty allowance for one week. The sails too were
mostly blown away, so that we advanced but slowly, even while the wind was
fair. We imagined ourselves about a hundred leagues from the land, but in
reality it was much farther. Thus we proceeded with an alternate prevalence of
hopes and fears. My leisure time was chiefly employed in reading and meditating
on the Scriptures, and praying to the Lord for mercy and instruction.
Things
continued thus for four or five days, or perhaps longer, till we were awakened
one morning by the joyful shouts of the watch upon deck, proclaiming the sight
of land. We were all soon raised at the sound. The dawning was uncommonly
beautiful, and the light (just strong enough to discover distant objects)
presented us with a gladdening prospect. It seemed a mountainous coast about
twenty miles from us, terminating in a cape or point, and, a little further,
two or three small islands, as just rising out of the water. The appearance and
position seemed exactly answerable to our hopes, resembling the north-west
extremity of Ireland, which we were steering for. We sincerely congratulated
each other, making no doubt but that, if the wind continued, we should be in
safety and plenty the next day. The
small remainder of our brandy (which was reduced to little more than a pint)
was, by the captain's orders, distributed amongst us; he added at the same
time, "We shall soon have brandy enough." We likewise ate up the
residue of our bread for joy of this welcome sight, and were in the condition
of men suddenly reprieved from death.
While we
were thus alert, the mate, with a graver tone than the rest, sunk our spirits
by saying that "he wished it might prove land at last." If one of the
common sailors had first said so, I know not but the rest would have beat him
for raising such an unreasonable doubt. It brought on, however, warm debates
and disputes whether it was land or no; but the case was soon unanswerably decided,
for the day was advancing fast, and, in a little time, one of our fancied
islands began to grow red, from the approach of the sun, which soon arose just
under it. In a word, we had been prodigal of our bread and brandy too hastily;
our land was literally in nubibus - nothing but clouds, and in half an
hour more the whole appearance was dissipated.
Seamen
have often known deceptions of this sort, but in our extremity we were loth to
be undeceived. However, we comforted ourselves, that though we could not see
the land, yet we should soon, the wind hitherto continuing fair; but, alas! we
were deprived of this hope likewise. That very day our fair wind subsided into
a calm, and the next morning the gales sprung up from the south-east directly
against us, and continued so for more than a fortnight afterwards. The ship was
so wrecked that we were obliged to keep the wind always on the broken side,
unless the weather was quite moderate. Thus we were driven, by the wind fixing
in that quarter, still further from our port, to the northward of all Ireland,
as far as the Lewis or western islands of Scotland, but a long way to the
westward. In a word, our station was such as deprived us of any hope of being
relieved by other vessels. It may, indeed, be questioned, whether our ship was
not the very first that had been in that part of the ocean at -the same season
of the year.
Provisions
now began to grow very short. The half of a salted cod was a day's subsistence
for twelve persons. We had
plenty of fresh water, but not a drop of stronger liquor; no bread, hardly any
clothes, and very cold weather. We had incessant labour with the pumps, to keep
the ship above water. Much labour and little food wasted us fast, and one man
died under the hardship. Yet our sufferings were light in comparison of our
just fears. We could not afford this bare allowance much longer, but had a
terrible prospect of being either starved to death, or reduced to feed upon one
another. Our expectations grew darker every day, and I had a further trouble
peculiar to myself. The captain, whose temper was quite soured by distress, was
hourly reproaching me (as I formerly observed) as the sole cause of the
calamity, and was confident that if I was thrown overboard (and not otherwise)
they should be preserved from death. He did not intend to make the experiment,
but the continual repetition of this in my ears gave me much uneasiness,
especially as my conscience seconded his words. I thought it very probable,
that all that had befallen us was on my account. I was at last found out by the
powerful hand of God, and condemned in my own breast.
However,
proceeding in the method I have described, I began to conceive hopes greater
than all my fears; especially when, at the time we were ready to give up all for
lost, and despair was taking place in every countenance, I saw the wind come
about to the very point we wished it, so as best to suit that broken part of
the ship which must be kept out of the water, and to blow so gently as our few
remaining sails could bear. And thus it continued, without any observable
alteration or increase, though at an unsettled time of the year, till we once
more were called up to see the land, and were convinced that it was land
indeed. We saw the island Tory, and the next day anchored in Lough Swilly, in
Ireland. This was the 8th of April, just four weeks after the damage we
sustained from the sea. When we came into this port our very last victuals were
boiling in the pot, and before we had been there two hours the wind, which seemed
to have been providentially restrained till we were in a place of safety, began
to blow with great violence, so that if we had continued at sea that night in
our shattered, enfeebled condition we must, in all human appearance, have gone
to the bottom.
About this
time I began to know that there is a God that hears and answers prayer. How
many times has He appeared for me since this great deliverance! Yet, alas! how
distrustful and ungrateful is my heart unto this hour.
I am, dear
Sir,
Your obliged
humble
Servant.